10 Ways To Survive Markets In Turmoil

  1. Drink - Heavily.
  2. Hug Your Kids - Your kids will be the ones inheriting your 401(k) if you haven't already lost it all.  Show them some love and tell them everything is going to be okay even though everyone else is telling you the world is ending.  
  3. Stop Watching And Reading The News - All news media survives on your fear (even my blog).  I stopped watching the news years ago.  "But Ramp, how will I know what's going on in the world?".  Scan Twitter trends and read books.
  4. Get a Dog - This little guy will give you all of the unconditional love you need.  He doesn't care that you bought $TWTR at $50 because Cramer said it was going to $60. 
  5. Get a Shotgun - I've watched way too many zombie movies to realize this is a must in times of crises.
  6. Watch Football - Your testosterone and blood pressure are already at all time highs if your portfolio isn't.  You may as well feed it moar by watching barbarians get concussed play after play.
  7. Deploy Sideline Cash - This is the moment you've been waiting for your whole life. Time to sack up and deploy your army of sideline cash while everyone else is calling their mom crying.
  8. Borrow Money From Parents - You know the first thing your parents are going to do is call their brokers and tell them to sell all of their mutual funds.  That's fine, let them.  After they sell at the bottom, borrow (steal) all of the money they cashed out and put it in some high beta hypergrowth companies.
  9. Take Your Kid's Lunch Money - Feed them celery smoothies. Then see #2 above. Use proceeds to purchase equities.
  10. Go To Chipotle - Nothing makes me happier than crushing some double meat ($2.15 extra) with guac ($1.95 extra) Chipotle burritos.  Since you most likely just got burned in the market by being greedy, go ahead and throw some gluttony on top of that.  Go to Chipotle and crush as many burritos as you can in one sitting.  You are going to throw up anyways when you log into your TD Ameritrade account and see how bad your portfolio got smoked today.

Stay safe out their kids.