5 Must-Have Features From The $AAPL Product Launch

  1. Stock Buy Buttons - I have been lobbying for a one-click stock buying button to be displayed on every iPhone, iPad, iPod, Apple Watch, and Apple TV screen for a long time.  The reason this is so important is because $AAPL has been down 11% in the past 3 months and needs to hit their $200 price targets before homegamers can retire.  Optional feature: Allow users to automatically buy stocks 30 minutes before the market close in US and Asian markets.
  2. Bigger Screens - Everyone is slowly going blind from being connected to their iDevice for 18 hours a day.  The best remedy for blindness is to increase the size of the screen.
  3. Higher Average Selling Price - Recently there have been some growth concerns on iPhone sales.  The best way to combat growth concerns is to make your users pay more for your products.  Obviously there will be some initial sticker shock but then people will realize they will do whatever it takes to get the latest iPhone -- whether that's getting a second job or getting a deferred interest credit card and going deeper into debt.  Netflix pulled off this move successfully a couple of years ago and is up 1000% since.
  4. Free Rap Album - No one wants another shitty U2 album.  If you want to wow everyone, give out Dr. Dre's new Compton album.
  5. Waterproofing - I like to go yachting in the Hamptons and sometimes I get called in for emergency ramps.  I want the ability to ramp stocks (see #1 above) while on the yacht or jet ski without the worry of my device being ruined by water or champagne.